did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
