No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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