I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
