Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
