He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
