So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
