My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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