Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
