Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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