I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We have started to decorate penises.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
