Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
