They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
