I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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