Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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