garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
