I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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