Nicole vs. Life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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