I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
