he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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