I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
