Nicole vs. Life
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
