remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
