Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
