So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
