I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
