when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
