The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You made out with two different species that night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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