Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
