dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
