That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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