Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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