He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
