You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
