They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
