I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
