That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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