You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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