I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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