im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
