jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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