In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
