I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
