my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
