I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
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