Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
