ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
