I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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