I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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