omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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