lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
