I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
